It was a day like any other day in sunny Florida, Only instead of floating in my pool with a beer in one hand, a ciggy in the other and an inch of lotion on my body, I was off to work to wait on the tourists. Now I have waited on people in New York, N.Y. City, and Connecticut, but never have I waited on such rude, grumpy, smelly, mean, nasty, simply ugly people than the vacationers near Disney!
I arrived at work 5 minutes early, no thanks to the tourists who sit thru green lights, drive 10 miles an hour in a 45, and slam on there brakes, in the middle of a 3 lane highway to watch The Slingshot take off! Whew! I'm alive and all is well. Or so i thought!
The first couple of tables were OK. Just the usual, "We're thirsty, hot, tired, hungry, been at the theme parks all day." Oh poor you! But then table 46 gets seated with three "ladies" and I use that word lightly, very lightly! Here we go!
Me-"Hi! How are you?"
Nasty #1-"We're NEVER comming to Florida again!"
Thinking in my head, "Oh good! I'll never have to wait on you again!" But reply "Why?" Now I know what you're thinking, why did I ask why? The shock of not getting the normal response, "Good. How are you?" The fact that all I could think about was going home and having that beer or the lack of nicotin in my body. I don't know!
Nasty #2-"It rained!" she yelled!
Me-"But the beauty of Florida is it rains for and hour and the sun comes right back out!" Keep in mind it's July and it's our rainy season. Check the weather before you go on vacation people!
Nasty #1-"I'm on vacation and it rained!" At this point I didn't have the heart to tell her it was like clockwork every afternoon. In retrospect, I wish I had! Not only that, but believe it or not I am NOT Mother Nature!
Me-"What can I get you to drink?" I said giving up in exasperation.
After quibbling over the fact we had Pepsi not Coke products, like I have a choice what we serve, I finally get a drink order and return to service area to retreive their drinks. I walked in The Pit and ask the other servers if I looked like %*@#% Mother Nature and out streched my arms and said, "It's not nice to fool with Mother Nature!" If you are too young to remember that commerial I'm sure you can google it. Taking a deep breath I returned to their table with the drinks and hadn't even set them all down when....
Nasty #3-"Do you think I could have a straw?" Starring at the straws in my apron.
This is gonna be a tough crowd! I think.Maybe I should pick a 18 pack on the way home!
Nasty #1-"We're ready to order!"
Me- "OK, what can I get for you?"
All 3 Nastys-"Ummmmmm......."
When people do this, I don't know why, but I automatically hear the Jeopardy song in my head! You know the song-Do do do do do do do, do do do do do do, do do do do......Finally getting the order, after completing the whole song 5 times in my head I return with salads and bread and then it starts. More bread, more dressing, more soda, more butter, and extra napkins, but....
Nasty #2-"Could we get REAL napkins?" Now I'm confused looking at the linen that they have.
Me-"You mean paper?" Yup! Really! Here's class for ya! "Real" napkins are paper. Maybe they should have gone to a drive thru!
Let me tell you these nasty women ran me for everthing and the kitchen sink! They had every condiment on the table and then some! Ketchup, mustard, A1, worchester, tabasco, Hienz 57, tartar sauce (no one had fish). shredded cheese, parm, ranch, more ranch and "Can't we have a bowl of ranch?" Yeah, sure, the owner would hang me in the basement by my toe nails!
I knew they were running me on purpose cause they had smirks on their ugly faces and would laugh everytime I walked off! The kicker was when my busser came in and told me they were laughing and asking each other what to send me for next! THIS IS WAR!
Now they all wanted water, with lemon, lots of lemon. I cleared off a booth beside them and after emptying the tray I stuck my hand in the very dirty water the silverwear was soaking in. You want lemons Bitches? Game on! After an hour and a half of this They ask for the check. Sit for 10 minutes and now they want ice cream! Let's just say I wouldn't have wanted to eat that and leave it at that. After 2 hours finally they pay and leave! YAY! I go to the booth lifting up all the napkins etc to find not a penny on the table! $150.00 check, 2 hours of torment and not a penny! But i do find a pair of sun glasses and discretely put them in my apron.
After scanning my section I needed a smoke and out the back door I go! I was so mad I took the sun glasses and ripped them into pieces, which was not and easy feat, they were designer glasses! Score! And in the dumpster they went! I returned to my section to greet new table when someone grabs my arm!
Nasty #1-"Where are my sun glasses?!" And she's pissed! Eyes bulging out of her head, veins popping, I think I might have even seen smoke comming out of her ears and her head spin like Linda Blair's! I found great joy in that!
Me-"I don't clear the table. My busser does" Not a lie. I don't.
And with a smile on my face I turn to my guests and say, "I'm sorry for that RUDE interruption. How are you today?"